Consent conversations with children in kinship care are not always easy. They can feel deeply personal and are shaped by many factors—past experiences, family values, and the messages we’ve internalised from society about body autonomy, safety, intimacy and trust. For children and young people in out-of-home care, these conversations are particularly important—and often complex.

Many children in care have had their boundaries ignored or violated. Some have experienced trauma in their homes or relationships and may have lived through grief, loss, and ongoing change. Approaching conversations about consent with openness, patience and care is key to helping rebuild their sense of agency and safety.

Why consent conversations matter in out-of-home care

This month, we’re launching a new online course: When yes means YES – for kinship carers. It’s a self-paced resource designed to support kinship carers to talk with children and young people about affirmative consent in ways that are age-appropriate, trauma-aware, and grounded in real-life experience.

Consent can feel like a difficult topic to raise—especially when carers are already navigating multiple demands on their time, energy and wellbeing. But it’s an important one. For children in kinship care, conversations about consent are not just about protection. They’re about voice, choice and power—things that many children in care haven’t consistently had.

Meet Shantelle: a kinship carer and course contributor

Shantelle became a kinship carer at 23, taking on the care of her infant nephew. Now six years old, he’s growing up in a home that models respectful relationships and body autonomy. Shantelle also brings lived experience of both foster and kinship care from her own childhood and reflects often on the role of intergenerational trauma in shaping family dynamics.

We were honoured to work with Shantelle during the development of the When yes means YES course for kinship carers. Her insights are woven throughout the videos and activities, helping other carers feel supported and equipped to start (and continue) these important conversations.

Q&A with Shantelle

Shantelle, how do you approach consent conversation with the child/young person in your care?

Consent is something that I approach as a lifelong, ongoing conversation as opposed to a one-time talk. With my nephew, I have always focused on building his understanding of bodily autonomy from a young age. In our house, it starts with small but significant things like asking before giving hugs, allowing him to say ‘no’, and explaining why it’s okay to change your mind. I make sure consent is modelled in every day interactions and reinforced with clear, age-appropriate language. While consent is of course about keeping him safe, for us it’s also important that we are empowering him to be someone who helps keep others safe. I want him to understand that the choices he makes, whether it’s how he plays with others, respects someone’s “no” or navigates friendships, that he has the power to protect and respect those around him too. I know what it feels like to have your voice and agency taken away in care, I’m intentional about making sure he feels safe, and in control of his own bodies and choices wherever possible.

In what ways do you feel that you need to consider trauma experiences of the young person/child when talking about consent?

Children and young people in kinship care may often come from experiences of disruption, grief, or violation of trust and safety. I think it’s therefore important to advocate for a clear picture of the child’s history and experiences so that as kinship carers we can be incredibly mindful of that when talking about consent. It can become hard to avoid language that may be triggering or feel like a demand when we are not appropriately informed. What I can do is stay attuned to body language and emotional responses. I don’t force conversations when he is dysregulated or feeling unsafe, but I wait for moments when connection is strong, and he feels grounded. It’s also about understanding that for a child with trauma, consent might have been historically ignored or taken from them, so it’s about slowly rebuilding that sense of agency through trust, safety and consistency.

How do you navigate discussions about online consent and safety?

Digital safety is something we are still trying to navigate in our household. My nephew in my care is only six years old and has a very monitored use of technology, however it is the way of the future and as caregivers we need to accept that it will be part of our children’s future, if not already. We have had ongoing conversations around who he share’s things with, what information is private (and yes there is a difference between secrets and private over here) and what to do if something doesn’t feel right. I try not to approach it from a fear based or punitive lens, but rather from empowerment, helping him to build the confidence in saying no, recognising unsafe situations, and knowing that I’m someone he can come to without fear of punishment. I also monitor his access and stay involved, but I frame that as part of my role in keeping him safe, not controlling him, at the moment it’s working for us.

What are, in your opinion, the three most important things to consider when having conversations about consent with children and young people in kinship care? 

1. Safety and trust come first. Children and young people in kinship care might not feel safe, might not have ever felt safe and as a result do not feel safe talking openly at first. It’s critical to establish a foundation of emotional safety and consistent care before diving into big conversations.
2. Consent is not just physical or about sex – It applies to emotional safety, choices and voice, helping children understand that consent applies to friendships, family, school, everywhere and is vital in building their sense of power.
3. Lived experience shapes the way they hear things, lived experiences also shapes the way we as carers approach these conversations – Every child’s trauma story is different. Our job is to tailor conversations based on their developmental stage and trauma history and not push our own or anyone else’s timeline. Patience, empathy and flexibility is key. Knowledge is power. These conversations can be really tricky and sometimes retraumatising for carers to be having so we need to look after ourselves in these moments to seek support when needed and don’t be afraid to have your mind changed.

When Yes Means YES for kinship carers course is now live and joins our existing online course – When Yes Meas YES course for foster carers.

Both courses are interactive and offer information and practical tips, customised guidelines and learning and activities to engage young people around the topic of consent and affirmative sexual consent.

Both courses are now available to Victorian kinship and foster carers, and professionals who work with kinship/foster carer families – at no cost for a limited number of registrations until end September 2026.

If you are a kinship carer or you are a professional who works with kinship carer families, you can register and access it on our website or by clicking here.

Thank you to Shantelle, Michelle (kinship carer), Create, the young people who participated in our course videos and the Victorian Government for their ongoing support of this project.