Q&A with the Trainer: Harmful sexual behaviours
Feb 2025
Written by Billy Black Dan Howell
Young people in out-of-home care and youth justice who have experienced trauma often display a wide range of behaviours that their care team can find difficult to understand and challenging to effectively respond to. Harmful sexual behaviours hold an added layer of complexity; they can be personally confronting for carers and staff to manage, as well as raise concerns for the risk and safety of other young people in their care.
Dan Howell, an accredited mental health social worker who has worked extensively with children and young people who display harmful sexual behaviour, has been running a popular virtual workshop for the past two years called The S-Word: Exploring sexual behaviour displayed by young people, what is normal, and what is harmful that explores harmful sexual behaviours and how we can respond effectively, safely, and supportively.
I caught up with Dan to find out more about the relationship challenges young people face in the modern world online, and how we can approach important conversations about boundaries and consent.
The last year has seen a lot of increased talk about consent, some laws have changed, and there’s a renewed push to start having conversations with kids about boundaries and consent, both in their friendships and sexual relationships. What are your thoughts about this push and the reception of the community?
A whole-of-community approach is important, as we are all needing to keep current and educated on the changes to affirmative consent laws. Expecting children and young people to know the rules when history has shown the adults in their community have not had a great track record is reverse logic! Young people need to see adults lead the conversation and keep society accountable for the protection of children and young people.
What do you think is different about how we respond, and how we should respond, to these behaviours in children and young people specifically in out-of-home care?
There needs to be nuance in the approach, to ensure there are appropriate and proportionate responses and ensuring the behaviours are not swept under the rug. We also need to consider the importance of attachment relationships in guiding young people’s sexual development, and that carers and professionals regularly ask for more support around this. A lot of education around sex and consent is kept to schools, so we also need to consider the child’s relationship with school and their participation in the school curriculum that is targeted to this area. Unfortunately, in the risk-averse system that children in out-of-home care are placed in, there can be a tendency to implement overly restrictive safety plans. Safety planning needs to attend to risk, whilst also providing opportunities for the development safe relationships.
How can we decide which behaviours are just “baby play”, or normal sexual exploration, and which are behaviours that require follow-up or intervention?
Thankfully, there have been tools and frameworks developed to help guide people around what is understood to be normative sexual development and expression. All behaviours require a response, a sexual behaviour that those tools consider normative is a good conversation starter to reinforce values of respect, autonomy, and privacy. Behaviours that reach a higher level of concern involve harm, planning, use of force, and coercion, and those behaviours require a more planned response.
What is the biggest misconception about children and young people who display harmful sexual behaviours?
The biggest misconception is that there is an intrinsic sexual motivation that has been acted on. The reality is that behaviours attempt to meet a need that is not always sexual in nature, particularly for children who are pre-pubescent. Sexual behaviour can serve as a maladaptive way to seek connection, regulate their emotions, or re-enact an experience that has happened to them to help them make sense of it. Carers and professionals need to apply a holistic understanding to make sense of the behaviour within the context it has occurred.
Do you think online environments and online pornography are a big contributor to harmful sexual behaviours?
Exposure to toxic masculinity online, such as the likes of Andrew Tate, or adult material that does not portray consent, such as pornography, is having an insidious impact on young people and their relationships. Whilst the link to the onset of harmful sexual behaviours remains to be clearly made, there has been some research showing that young people who engage in harmful sexual behaviour may engage in more aggressive and violent acts as a result of the material they have seen online. What young people are exposed to online is a live public conversation, and for good reason!
How can adults talk to children and young people about their sexual behaviour without embarrassing or shaming them?
Proactive and ongoing conversations matched to the age and stage of children is crucial. Should a child or young person engage in sexual behaviour that causes harm, there needs to be a balance between supporting the young person to know their behaviour was not okay, whilst providing messages that they themselves are okay, and that they are still able to have a healthy and successful sexual future. In my virtual workshop I heavily lean on two excellent safety frameworks that help adults navigate that balance between managing safety and risk alongside empowering and guiding young people to work towards their emotional and relationship goals. The goal of responding to harmful sexual behaviours is not isolation and punishment, it’s supporting young people to develop strong and safe relationships with the people they care about, connecting them community and building their sense of belonging and self-worth.
If you are interested in learning more about harmful sexual behaviours and developing tailored strategies to support young people in out-of-home care, join Dan on the 27th of February for his virtual workshop, The S-Word: Exploring sexual behaviour displayed by young people, what is normal, and what is harmful.
You can also read more in our free downloadable practice guide, Responding to children and young people in out-of-home care who engage in harmful sexual behaviour.
